It’s okay not to be okay. I know that as 9,982 days ago, I certainly wasn’t okay. Does waking up feeling paralysed from the inside knowing that things will just be the same at the end of yet another day of inner turmoil and conflict sound familiar? It was the knowing that there was no escape from my inner thoughts and self-hatred that drove me to the brink of what I call my ‘Point Zero’.
At ‘Point Zero’, the place where nothing, and I mean nothing, could ever get worse, i finally asked for help. It’s the moment where I ‘reached out’ - only in reality it’s way past the point where I should’ve. Looking for friendly eyes or the listening ear of someone that could find the light in my darkness felt like defeat.
The thought of calling one’s Doctor or confiding in a work colleague would’ve felt like failure, especially if one’s demeanour status has been projecting ‘fine’. Back in late 1993, I’d spent months being outwardly ‘fine’ but in fact was dying inside. It was only in January 1994 that I finally found the strength to reach out and make life-changing decisions of career, relationship and behaviour that would shape my entire future.
On doing so, I immediately felt back in control, relieved both mentally and physically as well as feeling positive and excited about my future. It was still okay not feeling okay as I knew it wasn’t going to last forever - it was over and it immediately felt more like a temporary blip where I could decide how and when it would finish.
It was even okay not to be okay when I was ill with Guillian-Barre Syndrome back in 2016. Being able to reach out for medical help and support and break my predicament down into bite-sized chunks really helped my whole recovery process. And true to form, it worked. It wasn’t perfect, but then nothing ever is, is it? It was just down to adopting a fresh state of mind. One where I realised that my world had more than one occupant.
In both cases, I found that I needed help from other people - a need to reach out and confide. A definite no-no in my earlier life but one now that I’m happy to say I’ve fully engaged with. Soldiering on, putting on a brave face, endeavouring to deceive everyone including yourself is a recipe for disaster and if that’s where you secretly find yourself today.
SHOUT and SHOUT LOUD, to those around you that matter or are willing to listen. It could be the best thing you ever do.
9,982 Days Alcohol-Free - 27 Years of Success - 1,089 Marathons
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