I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2

Have you ever reached a point in your life that you’d been working towards for years, only to find yourself asking, ‘What now?’

For a long time, I thought life was about reaching a destination. Get a good job. Build a career. Find happiness. Create a comfortable life. I believed that if I worked hard enough and kept moving forwards, I’d eventually arrive where everything would make sense.

 

Every milestone I reached brought me joy, and I’m genuinely grateful for each one. But after the excitement died down, there was always a quiet voice asking, ‘What’s next?’. It was an uneasy time for sure

 

Now I think it was just part of being human.

 

And the truth is, I’m still searching. Not because my life’s empty, but because I’m still growing.

 

I’ve realised that what I was looking for in my twenties isn’t the same as what matters to me now. Back then, success looked like achievement and recognition. These days, it’s more like peace of mind, meaningful conversations, time with the people I love, and waking up with a sense of purpose.

 

Life has a way of changing one’s priorities over time.

 

If I’m honest, some of the biggest turning points in my life didn’t come from success at all. They came from hating myself, disappointment, uncertainty and those moments when I genuinely wondered if I was heading in the right direction. At the time, it felt uncomfortable. Looking back, they were my greatest lessons in life.

 

It’s incredibly easy to scroll through social media and believe everyone else has found the secret. Everyone seems happier, more successful, more certain. But I’ve come to believe that we’re all carrying questions we don’t like to share. We all have moments when we wonder if we’re good enough or if we’re on the right trajectory.

 

Maybe it’s something we have in common more than we realise.

 

These days, I’m trying to notice the ordinary moments a little more. A good cup of tea in the garden. A conversation that stays long after it’s ended. A message from someone saying how I’ve helped them. These moments don’t seem extraordinary at the time, but they’ve become the moments I treasure most.

 

And I’ve stopped waiting for one big moment that will make everything click into place. Instead, I’m learning that purpose isn’t something we stumble across once and keep forever. It’s something we discover again and again in the way we live, the people we love, and the courage we need even when we don’t have every answer.

 

So yes, I’m still searching.

 

But these days, the search doesn’t feel frustrating anymore. It’s hopeful.

 

It reminds me that there’s still more to learn, more people to meet, more stories to hear and more of life to experience. And perhaps that’s the point. Perhaps we’re not meant to have all the answers.

 

Perhaps we’re simply meant to keep on living.

 

If you’re reading this and feel like you’re still searching too, you’re not alone. I think most of us are. The difference is that I’ve stopped seeing it as a sign that something is missing.

 

I’ve started seeing it as proof that the journey isn’t over yet.

 

And, somehow, I find that really comforting.

1,244 Marathons - 292 Ultras - 19 MDS - 10 GWR - 1 Life

Lost - Coldplay

As a child, I often felt like I was on the outside looking in - I saw how other people seemed to find their place in life whilst, I was left wondering where mine was. I never did quite fit in. I spent my years at secondary school trying to keep up academically. I tried, but it was never enough – I was told I was ‘thick’. I should have asked for, or have been offered help, but then this was the 70s and that just didn’t happen back then.

I now realise that I wasn’t thick or lost because there was something wrong with me - I was just trying to fit into a world that was simply not right for me.

 

Growing older didn’t suddenly make everything any easier, but it gave me something I never had as a child - perspective. Slowly, I began to understand that my differences weren’t flaws to fix, they were parts of me that deserved to be nurtured. 

 

Finding my direction happened in one dramatic moment. It brought me closer to the life I wanted, instead of the life I thought I was supposed to have. I’ve learned to trust my instincts, stop comparing my journey to everyone else’s, and to accept that there is no deadline for finding your purpose in this world.

 

Today, I can look back at that younger version of myself with compassion rather than sadness. I wish I could tell that child that they didn’t need to spend so much time trying so hard to be someone they never could be. 

 

The years I spent feeling lost have taught me resilience. They’ve taught me empathy for anyone who has ever questioned where they fit in. Most importantly, they’ve taught me that belonging doesn’t come from changing yourself to meet other people’s expectations. 

 

It comes from having the courage to become the person you were always meant to be.

 

Sure, my journey hasn’t been perfect, and I still have moments where I question myself. But I no longer see these moments as failures. They are reminders of how far I’ve come. The child who once felt stupid has grown into someone who understands that purpose isn’t found by fitting in, it’s found by being yourself.

 

And funnily enough my secondary school, where I was considered ‘thick’, has just asked me once again to speak to their Sixth Form and say that it’s okay not to know where life might take you, but that it’s more important to be the best version of yourself and follow one’s interests and dreams 100%.

 

Amen.

 

1,244 Marathons – 292 Ultras – 19 MDS – 10 GWR – 1 Life

Am I Bovvered?

Each day we undertake a huge number of personal tasks and challenges that we call ‘Life’. We are living that ‘Life’ as a result of options and choices that we believed were right at that particular moment in time. And, as a result, where we find ourselves at any one time, is of our own doing and we have no-one else to blame.

It’s far too easy to become a victim and say ,‘why me?’ Or as in my case self-loath and head into a darkness of depression and use alcohol to mask the pain of failing. ‘Point Zero’ as I call it, isn’t somewhere you reach overnight. It’s a gradual thing that slowly creeps up on you. It speeds up the more helpless you become, and before you know it has you firmly in its grasp. If you’ve been there yourself, you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

 

Back then, the only way out was to toughen up as reaching out was a sign of weakness not strength as it is today. At 64 years of age, I’m in a much wiser position looking in life’s rear-view mirror. I can admit that by the time I was 31, I’d created a huge mess that was not only challenging me mentally but physically too. That’s why I decided to make some changes, massive changes in fact and ‘getting fit’ quickly became my salvation and foundation for a ‘New Life’ where I found the ‘New Rory’.

 

I know personally that it’s a huge step to stop drinking, smoking or over-eating.

 

It took me six months to reverse my very poor levels of health and fitness. And crossing the finish line of my first marathon is one of my life’s greatest achievements. Accomplishing a further 1200+ marathons, an impossible feat to my own previous incarnation.

 

Now, I’m not saying that you have to run 26.2 miles, be an Ironman Triathlete or become a bodybuilder but whatever life choices you make now or in the future, be it starting a new job, a new relationship or over-coming an illness or accident - fitness REALLY helps.

 

I know I’m far from perfect, but I was lucky enough to be able to make positive changes to my behaviour that have given me huge satisfaction and a career where I can now help other people to reach their own fitness and life goals.

 

You see it’s far too easy to say, ‘Why bother?’… but actually you must. Because if you do, you will be pleased you did. Now I’m always happy to be bothered and please reach out if you want to bother right now or in the future.

1,244 Marathons - 292 Ultras - 19 MDS - 10 GWR - 1 Life