Lyrics:- 'The sun so bright it leaves no shadows, only scars carved into stone' - Hewson
Song Choice:- Taken from 'The Joshua Tree' this very personal song of grieving and it makes for a truly haunting track and one that's well worth another listen. Having not had a such a very close death in my friends or family, I can't empathise with Bono over his feelings of loss for his friend but it does resonate with me, especially after my experience of the past few months.
Grieving can take many forms and apart from the obvious there are lots of other things that take time to recover from. Broken relationships, broken-hearts and in my case my identity as that was shattered in April last year. It's not an easy thing to write about or to describe as I'm not really sure what I mean myself if I'm being honest as I'm still coming to terms with it.
All I can say is that It's a kind of fog or a memory of something that you know the name of and is on the tip of your tongue but you can't for the life of you remember it. It's fucking annoying to say the least. And yes, I can say that I'm very lucky and I should be happy with my convalescence and that it's early days and that I'm blessed to be anything more that alive, in possession of my marbles (just) or even mobile - but I do miss being me.
I'm not all that sure even if I know what the pre-GBS me was like as even that's a bit of a brain fade but I know what I was capable of and it's just frustrating - I just ran a 6:25:26 marathon and I mean ran which is so shit. I'm not angry about it as I'm not an angry person - I just feel a bit lost that's all. Luckily I have brilliant support at home from Lady C and those pesky boys (not you Sam) to keep me feeling young, even though the clock is saying otherwise and I'm an impending Granddad!
You see sometimes you never know how lucky you are or just how good things are even right at the moment when you think they should be better.
Just how fortunate can one person be or in my case have-been so far. I recognise that but however strong I can be and inspire myself about things, the GBS has certainly knocked the wind out of my sails and that's a tough one to take - especially if you are used to being indestructible. And Yes I know the running doesn't matter blah, blah, blah but I've been doing it for so long, it's hard thing to have taken away. The emotional crutch it's provided for so long has been well used... Listening to the track and Bono sings, the 'Sun's so bright' and it is so why am I moaning?
I'm still here, still kicking and with a lot more life to live in me yet, you never know I might get back to being something like the person I used to be with some of the no-so-good bits removed!
You never know eh?
More tomorrow from One Tree Hill...
Rory Coleman - 982 Marathons - 241 Ultras - 13 Marathon des Sables
9 Guinness World Records - 8,442 Days' Alcohol Free.
& 1 Inspirational Running Memoir - Get your copy here.