Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Doctor, Doctor - UFO

Lyric:- 'Doctor doctor, please oh, the mess I'm in' - Schenker and Mogg.

Well, it's been one of those days, and just as I thought things had reached an all-time low, they took a major downward turn for the worse and I literally ended up to my elbows to in the brown stuff.

And before you're worried that the Guillain Barre Syndrome (GBS) I've been diagnosed with, is finishing me off, well it isn’t so that’s ok. It's felt close on a couple of occasions today that I’d admit to, I However,  having a very rare strain of the Syndrome (Well I would do wouldn’t I),  and having to use an unprecedented amount of Codeine to combat the extreme pain, discomfort and the side effects caused the biggest log jam ever in the 'Coleman Pipelines' you could imagine. It soon became 'Brown Monday’.

Add to the scenario, a massive dose of 'Triglycerin Gunpowder based Laxative’ taken orally at lunchtime, (to really get things going', the Pharmacist advised) and I had all the ingredients for what was a going to be a huge 'Atomic Explosion’ in my underpants later on if I wasn’t careful.

Well, it arrived on time but sadly a bit unannounced. At a time when good forward toilet planning is essential, I managed only 1 of the 50 metres required to get me to the safety of the disabled toilet in the hospital ward reception area. Sadly for me a 49 metre embarrassed poo stained crawl on all-fours passing the nurse's station looking dreadfully soggy, for added embarrassment factor didn’t do my street cred ant favours.

Is the blog low enough yet?

No? Oh OK, I’ll carry on then. As it's been the pure amount of the Codeine Concrete in my lower bowel that got stuck, literally solidly stuck half in, half out and with me pushing as hard as I could without any power at all in my stomach Muscles to shift anything and now folk are banging on he door asking if I'm alright so in desperation and I say in desperation, I slipped on a surgical hand glove and just poked around up there and started digging out the offending hardcore.

Still not low enough? 

Well, the bloody glove only went and split meaning everything then leaked into the palm of my hand. Just Perfect eh? But in a way it was, stood leaning against a Zimmer Frame, soiled pants round my ankles, with little chance of making it anywhere without further eruptions, you see life in a different way.And we all have different needs..

My need right now is to be able to walk as I can’t right now and it’s really fucking ready scary…Let's hope we are not in as much shit as tomorrow 

Until then…

Rory Coleman
976 Marathons, 241 Ultras, 9 Guinness World Records, 13 Marathon des Sables, 8160 Days' Champagne Dry

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